


I Shouldn't Have Started This

by TN_Night



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Christmas, Depression, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Multiple Endings, Sad Birthday, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-25
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-03-03 10:32:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2847782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TN_Night/pseuds/TN_Night
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi is a drug addict spending his birthday alone. Multi-ending story~</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Shouldn't Have Started This

**Author's Note:**

> If anything I put in the tags is a trigger, please don't read this! The last thing I wanna do is trigger someone. Thank you to aelmer6 from fanfiction.net for helping me edit this :)

 

Levi sat on his old dirty brown sofa that was situated behind his coffee table, which was behind his small box television; everything resided under a blanket of thick dust. The man used to be a clean freak; he had a spotless apartment where no such filth could ever be found. He'd vacuum and scrub his floors down twice a day, and if you even thought about wearing your shoes through his house, you wouldn't live to see tomorrow. This version of Levi Ackerman changed roughly a year ago. The year his performance level dropped and he lost his job from his personal problems with drug addiction. The year he turned into an even colder and more introverted version of himself. The year all of his friends abandoned him; even Hanji. Everyone was sick of his bullshit.

 

He was alone. 

 

Levi stared blankly at the black, motionless screen. Waiting for something, anything, to happen. Even though he knew no such thing would happen since they turned his power off two months ago, forcing him to grow accustomed to eating only convenience store-bought meals and taking only cold showers. At least he had enough money for water. Though he knew his savings would soon run out and he would have to choose between the last bit of cleanliness he held onto for some unknown reason or to keep or his insufficient meals, because giving up on the one bit of solace he had through the form of a relaxant flowing through his veins was _not_ an option. Period.

 

The day's date was only remembered because of the festivities seemingly everyone but him had prepared. People the apartment next to his hung lights around their door; a turkey could be smelt in someone's oven and the loud chatter of happy family members and friends could be heard on every floor of the small building. Those who didn't celebrate Christmas shared the night with their significant others, watching the snow fall in heavy petals from the beautiful white clouds that cloaked the night sky and its bright December stars. Every street corner was lit up by the warm glow of the street lamps; their light cascading and fading between the distance of the source and another a few feet away. It didn't matter where you went in the town- every store and mall had something to remind you of the season. 

 

Levi's home wasn't exactly festive. It wasn't decorated with candles or an evergreen laced with small lights and hung with baubles. It didn't have a wonderfully decorated table covered with multiple dishes that took hours to prepare for the kin that now refused to associate with him. Levi's home was the epitome of depression and loneliness. There were several used and reused syringes strewn about the apartment, the scent of vinegar lingering faintly on certain ones that hadn't been washed and the persistent residue of a cloudy brown substance still tacked to the edges where he'd left the plastic for later cleaning when he'd been too tired to think. There was a long, thin piece of latex tubing sitting on the wooden dining room table that resided next to the kitchen, and a spoon sitting atop a lighter laying next to it. The subtle scent of mould and an awful lingering smell of death filled the space; Levi never did find that poor mouse he'd accidentally trapped inside. 

 

All in all, his house was indescribably unkempt and disgustingly begrimed; though he made no move to change anything.

 

He was honestly surprised no one had called the cops because they thought he was dead; he hadn't left the apartment in five days.

 

Levi sauntered over to the table and slid into one of the unstable, rotting wooden chairs that surrounded the table of the same condition. He rolled up his sleeve and wrapped the rubbery yellow tubing around the bottom of his upper arm, just above the back of his elbow, and tied it tight. He picked up the burnt-bottomed spoon before digging in his old, dirty grey sweater's pockets, pulling out the object of his desire- two small rocks of black tar heroin, both in a small bag.

 

{{{___SAD ENDING___}}}

 

Levi placed the two slightly-sticky rocks onto the spoon and grabbed an almost-empty bottle of vinegar sitting on the counter behind him, pouring some of its contents in with the drug. He ignited the flame of the lighter on his third try due to the lack of lighter fluid and held the small, slowly dying flame under the cool metal of the utensil, heating the spoon and melting the drug before stirring the two liquids together with an old, previously cleaned needle.

 

Once the substance was melted into a amber coloured and non-viscous fluid, Levi grabbed a cotton ball and dropped the small wad into the substance, watching the cotton quickly absorb the drug and hold it in its confines. Levi then picked up the twice-before-used syringe and pulled up the liquid from the cotton ball. He tossed the spoon back onto the table and lined the syringe up, not bothering to clean the area as he long since cared what happened to his body. He laid the needle almost flat against his skin, to one of the now-protuberant veins and injected the cooling-liquid into his arm. When he finished, he pulled out the syringe, a small bead of blood trailing after it. Levi quickly undid the tourniquet and slumped into the uncomfortable chair, waiting for the the drug's effects to kick in. He felt it within a few seconds and sighed, allowing his body to succumb to the low rise of a slight euphoria and relax further into his seat. His breathing shallowing slowly. The man's anxiety and all his worries left in a deep exhale before he got up and walked back to the couch.

 

Levi sat, once again, on the dirty old shit-stain brown couch, lying into the less-than comforting embrace of the worn material. 

 

The obnoxious clinking of glasses and happy chatter of the family next door would've been angering and depressing, had Levi not just injected himself with the one thing that can keep him calm. He felt…content. Content that he didn't have friends to spend the holidays or his birthday with. It didn't matter. He had a calm feeling inside of him. Though…It wasn't strong enough. It wasn't strong enough when his neighbours announced Christmas day with gleeful cheers and laughter and happiness and he was left alone, already feeling bad about yet again doing the one thing he wished he could quit. His inner emotions battled; unsure if he should feel calm and at ease or depressed and pained. All he wanted was to go back to before he tried this. Before he felt the effects of the drug for the first time. Before it all turned to shit.

 

The apartment was silent for a few minutes after that. The loud chatter of neighbours died down and even Levi's inner turmoil slowed to a halt. Leaving everything around the man perfectly silent. The silence was broken, however, a few moments later when the broken tune of happy birthday was whispered out, Levi's shaking voice breaking and tears drowning his grey eyes. 

 

Levi curled in on himself, drawing his knees to his chest as he continued to softly cry and mumble out broken words of the song to himself, eventually drifting off into a less-than peaceful sleep.

 

_I'm sorry._

 

{{{___HAPPY-ISH ENDING___}}}

 

_Levi sauntered over to the table and slid into one of the unstable, rotting wooden chairs that surrounded the table of the same condition. He rolled up his sleeve and wrapped the rubbery yellow tubing around the bottom of his upper arm, just above the back of his elbow, and picked up the burnt-bottomed spoon before digging in his old, dirty grey sweater's pockets, pulling out the object of his desire- two small rocks of black tar heroin, both in a small bag._

 

A careful knock on his door stopped him from his daily ministrations and made him jump in his seat. Confused, as nobody's knocked on his door for months, Levi put down everything he was holding and slowly got up, making his way to the door that was only about ten steps away from the table. Not bothering to try to see through the clouded peephole that was a bit too tall for him anyway, Levi cautiously unlocked the door and twisted the handle he hadn't touched in days. Anxiety bubbled in his chest at the thought of it possibly being cops coming to arrest him, or his dealer coming to kill him for being short on cash, or someone he'd known coming to beat him for being so stupid and cold towards everyone; thinking too much brought Levi to quickly let go of the doorknob and shut the door. Obviously, the person on the other side had seen the handle twist and knew he was there because another slightly more persistent knock soon followed his actions.

 

Levi put his back against the door and breathed heavily, signs of something akin to a mix of a panic attack, paranoia, and hallucinations impending and slowly becoming more apparent as he slid down to the floor, holding his head in his hands. His breathing was becoming more laboured by the second, and his heart was going a mile a minute. Control felt as though it was slipping out of his hands and was only dropping further when another, more hurried knock hit the door. 

 

His vision was blurring and he didn't know how to calm himself anymore, so he quickly crawled away from the door in hopes he wouldn't get killed. Levi pushed himself across the floor until his back hit his poor-excuse-of-a-couch. But his panicking was increased tenfold when he saw the doorknob slowly turn and his front door opened with a creak. 

 

Tears ran down Levi's cheeks as his shaking got worse. He tried to back further into the furniture only to have it move back a few mere inches before resolutely halting itself.

 

The door opened fully revealing a former friend of Levi's. Though through his eyes he didn't see a man he knew, he saw an unfamiliar, tall, muscular blond standing in his entryway. Erwin's gaze raked over the sorry excuse of a house when his attention caught on Levi, shaking intensely and huddled up against a couch.

 

"Levi.." The older man said, stepping forward and being careful not to scare Levi mid-freakout, even though the man really couldn't hear anything he said right now.

 

Levi's eyes opened slowly but once he saw Erwin he didn't calm down- quite on the contrary, he screamed.

 

Loud.

 

The smaller man tried to stand up and walk his way around the couch but only succeeded in tripping over the edge of the leg and falling and he was now holding his head on the floor; crying. Screaming. Pathetic.

 

"Stop! Stop! Stop!" He screamed like a mantra, hoping that his mind would clear of the fog so he could understand what was happening and exactly _what_ was standing in front of him.

 

Because to Levi, it wasn't a man anymore.

 

Erwin halted abruptly, looking around for any way he could help calm the other man down but only saw a filth-riddled apartment and an addict's ritual setup. 

 

The blond resumed walking, albeit at a much slower pace than before, towards Levi. Once beside the man, Erwin crouched down and tried to calm him.

 

"Levi, it's ok. It's me, I'm here," his voice was gentle, and though the screaming had stopped, Levi's crying and shaking persisted, but didn't worsen.

 

Levi inhaled and exhaled deeply a few times, trying to remind himself that he was, indeed, alright and really needed to calm down. After a couple of minutes, the younger felt composed enough to open his eyes. Levi looked up to meet Erwin's comforting gaze, the blond still looking down at him in concern.

 

"E-Erwin?" Levi voiced, confused as this was the first time in months his best friend had attempted to visit him.

 

"Are you alright, Levi?" Erwin asked, tilting his head.

 

Levi scanned his eyes around the room, looking for anything that would give an indication as to what he may've missed. 

 

Seeing nothing his delusions made up previously, Levi turned back to the taller man, still leaning in front of him.

 

"Why're you here?" The younger man asked, ignoring Erwin's question and still focusing on evening his still slightly-haggard breathing.

 

"I was worried. Hadn't seen you in months. No one has."

 

As though Levi had not just freaked out, the man stood up and walked calmly back to the table, removing the tourniquet that had still been wrapped tightly around his arm and placing it on the wooden surface. 

 

"You didn't make an effort to come see me in those months."

 

Now that he wasn't screaming and bawling on the floor, Erwin could take in the dishevelled appearance of the his friend. There were multiple track marks and scars along the inner area of Levi's visible arm, and a few scabs on his face. His skin was pale, ghost like, and shining with a thin layer of sweat. His formally neat undercut was now a messy black parody of what it used to be. The man was beginning to look something akin to a skeleton, his bones protruding and his cheeks sinking in. All in all the twenty-five year old looked dead, as if the life had been drained from his eyes. He didn't look the worst a heroin user could look, but he wasn't exactly shining and healthy, either.

 

Erwin didn't have a response to that. It was true that neither he, nor any of their friends had tried to see Levi. They didn't really know how to help the man in his situation so they left him to figure it out for himself. 

 

Obviously, that didn't work.

 

"I'm really sorry, Levi. We thought you just needed space."

 

Levi frowned, and sat back into the uncomfortable wooden chair, eyeing the rocks of heroin that sat untouched on the table. 

 

"That worked out well," he said with sarcasm dripping from his voice, getting up from his seat and walking back to the couch, where Erwin was now seating himself as well.

 

"We want to help you Levi, we just…don't know how," the blond voiced.

 

Levi looked down at his knees. He knew he needed someone to help him, he knew he needed to help himself. But he couldn't stop taking the only thing that felt like it was keeping him going.

 

He didn't know if he _wanted_ to stop.

 

"We can try to help you, but…we're going to need some insight from you on how to help."

 

"Is this some sort of mini-intervention?" Levi questioned jokingly, looking off to the wall and bringing his knees closer to his chest self-consciously.

 

Erwin only laughed at the statement, checking his watch and smiling.

 

"Hey, Levi?"

 

"Mmn?" 

 

"Merry birthday."

 

Levi smiled softly, leaning back into the armrest and shutting his eyes. Maybe being content without narcotics was a possibility.

 

Because it has to be.

 

_Because it is._

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if any of the facts about usage or mental health issues are incorrect, I spent about three hours researching and four hours writing and I was tired. I've never done drugs myself but I really wanted to write the fic so…sorry if the info is wrong, again.


End file.
